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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ray of Hope

Nadia's birthday is coming up...September 30th. I had to go to Babies r Us today to get my friend a shower gift. I haven't been in that store in forever and was overwhelmed by the magnitude of emotions that I felt. As luck would have it there was a plethora of pregnant women there and I could only wonder if they knew how lucky they are. I'm not naive enough to think their lives any better than mine, but do they understand the beauty of what is going on inside them? Anyway, I let myself walk every aisle. Poor Brian chased Olivia while I aimlessly walked the swing aisle and dreamed of what Nadia would have looked like in them...would she have liked it...or preferred being held? I traced the baby outfits and remembered upon finding out we were pregnant, getting excited for her to wear Olivia's infant Halloween costume. And as I stood in front of the nursing items, I found myself cradling my stomach...probably weird to the average person, but for me...it's all I've got. The only memory I have of my sweet baby and me together is the short time she was in my tummy. Pregnancy is such a gift. Although I will not see her face here, I can remember her being a part of me. Nothing...not even death can take that away. Finally, I picked out what I had come for, paid, and helped my husband separate our screaming toddler from the bike she had become attached to. I felt the healing power of God's grace in that I did not cry this time out of anguish...but rather peace. It was a welcome ray of hope

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