Thursday, December 9, 2010

When the Worrying Gets Tough

"So I tell you do not worry what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body as to what you will put on... who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...So do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself."

Worry is a common topic among Christian circles and we humans worry about everything. Our money...our relationships...our time...our investments...getting sick...losing weight...gaining and on and on. Worry has been linked to alot of physical problems the first being that chronic worriers often get sick more than people who are laid back. I have personally struggled with worry for as long as I can remember. It is a constant struggle to send my thoughts down a different path when they want to wander the halls of "what if".

Lastnight I went to bed with a sore throat. Nothing to worry about for the average person, but for me it threatened to consume me all night. You see October of 2009, I went to be with a sore throat that got worse all night long. By morning it was so raw I could hardly swallow. I called the dr and they asked me to come in right away for a strep test. While using the restroom at the office I began to bleed and I was rushed into a room for an emergency ultrasound. There I lay on the table and watched the dr and nurses glance at eachother with worried eyes. They talked in hushed voices and left me to stare at the screen showing a baby so small I could barely see her. The dr fumbled over her words and I had to concentrate to make statements like "too small" and "will lose the baby soon" out. My strep test was negative and by the time I got home my throat was fine. I however dissolved into a puddle of tears as the next 48 hours took me through the hell of losing a child. I relived all that lastnight and have watched for any warning signs all day today. Losing a child is unique in that it's the only time you watch someone you love die, from your own body. It is horrific. So in my mind, when Jesus commands us not to worry, why did he not put a clause in there for cases like mine where it seems impossible not to worry? Doesn't He know there's only so much a human heart can take?

I think the answer is found in 1 Peter 5:7
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you".

The verses in Matthew command us not to worry, but then here God gives us something to do with our worry because He knows we still will. Here He gives us an action plan. When overwhelmed with thoughts of "what if" we need to bundle them all together and hurl them onto God's back and let Him carry it for us. That frees us up to crawl into His arms and let Him comfort us from what haunts us. That's what I did lastnight. Each time the memories of the past or the fear of the future threatened to choke all hope, I repeated the 23rd psalm to myself and let Jesus rock me back to sleep. Friends this is tough stuff. I share my story with you so that you can embrace the depth of what God asks of us and offers to help us carry it out. I have about six months left to go before I can hold my sweet baby and I know that there will be many more days filled with fear and worry. But it's comforting to know that the same God that commands me not to worry has also given me a way of escape when I do and it always leads me back to Him

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

To Delete...or Not to Delete

I, unlike 98% of the people of the world, do not have a facebook profile. Shocking I know...outside of it being a little too invasive for me, I feel panicky at the thought of having another thing to keep up with. My toddler, keeping my food down (still having some prego sickness), the odds and ends of the day, and two blogs is just enough for me thank you very much! I must admit though that while I do not have a facebook profile, I DO have the password to my moms (no I didn't steal it...she gave it to me). On occasion I get on there to snoop into other people's lives and see what pictures have been posted. I love my mother dearly and know that she never does this on purpose, but I am always aghast at the pictures of me that end up circulating online. While everyone else in the picture looks lovely, I am always left to look about 100 pounds heavier than I think I am. You see I have the face shape that hairstylists call "round". While it puts me in the category to try almost every hair cut and style on the planet, it also means that my face is where I gain weight first...awesome. It also means that if I look at a camera wrong...say lift my chin instead of pointing it down (thank you modeling and photography classes)...I instantly add about three inches to each cheek which equals to an easy 20 pounds. In other words, all those cookies I've denied myself...second helpings at dinner...extra time spent on the treadmill...POINTLESS from the tilt of my chin. And because it is not my facebook, I am not at liberty to post something clever like "Images look larger than real life" or "Don't believe everything you see". Sigh...

One of these lovely umpa lumpa pictures of me is also on rotation on our computer. It was taken... get this BELOW me...imagine the multiple chins from that one! I am holding Olivia and we are laughing hysterically. I glanced at it this morning and muttered the usual "hate that picture" and then stopped in my tracks. Yes, I might have about four chins in that picture and my hair looks like something a horse chewed on, BUT I am gazing at my daughter sharing a moment of bliss that I can never repeat. With all that the Lord has blessedly put on my plate, I don't have time to remember to "point my chin down" in every picture...shoot half of them I haven't had time to brush my hair or put on mascara! But that's ME...I am a mother of four with about 20lbs more than I'd like (pre current pregnancy) and hair that if it's not fixed will stick up all over the place. I can spend the next 10 years dodging the camera or making remarks about less than perfect pictures...OR...I can embrace the moments and forget about what people think when they look at the photos. I think I'd rather have an album full of pictures of me and my precious family where I don't look good, than not be in them at all. And chances are, by the time I have the time to tilt my chin, fix my hair, and put my mascara on...I WILL have four more chins than I do now! God does have a sense of humor you know...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Can't Say it Any Better

I was going to write something about suffering and the hope we have in Christ and then I read a post on one of my favorite blogs. I follow this one daily and have laughed and cried at so many things Missy has to say. I have never met her...have never carried on a conversation with her...but the blessing of internet
blog-os-phere has given me this dear friend whose gift of writing amazes me everyday. So without further ado let me introduce you to an awesome blog Please read the post for Dec 4th...I promise it will bless your heart!

Praise be to the God of all hope!