Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The goodness of God doesn't rest upon my circumstances....and I actually believe that now. I have been a Christian for twenty two years and I have just now come to this conclusion. Simple and basic religion right? Ah, but how different we tend to think when life (and God if you believe in His sovereignty) sends us something entirely different from "good". I walked my teens years down a lonely road as I passionately pursued a relationship with God. I didn't go to the movies that had foul language and sexual content; chose not to listen to music that preached the opposite of God's ways; I embraced the idea of courtship rather than casually giving my heart away to boys; and... I adopted the idea that God would repay me for these sacrifices. I don't even think I realized it at the time, but I envisioned God's goodness looking like a rewarding adulthood since I had given up so much for Him. The problem with this thinking is that what God possesses simply by existence, I degraded into the realization of my happiness. I took the God of the universe and made Him into the image of a genie. The marriage that I had waited for with longing crumbled just two years into it. With a broken heart I looked up at the sky and asked "why?" Was this the reward I got for saving myself for my husband? Three more years later, I found the evidence that I was miscarring a second time and did not even bother looking at the sky. I closed my Bible and shut down my heart. I felt disappointed, angry, and downright hurt. I had given everything for God and He in return gave me sorrow...or so it seemed. Thank God He didn't walk away from me when I did. Last Thursday was what would have been our third baby's birthday. I lay in the fetal position hugging a stuffed animal crying like I never have before. I neglected my husband and daughter, ignored the disaray that my house was in, left the dirty dishes in the sink, and cried. I wallowed in my sorrow in ways I did not know were possible. It was one of the longest days of my life. I went to bed completely defeated, feeling guilty for my attitude, and a little embarrased by my explosive emotions. But that day will turn out to be one of the most pivitol points in my walk with the Lord. You see in letting out all the anger, and bitterness, and downright ugliness that was eating away at my heart; there was nothing left to uncover. No more secret more acting one way because I knew I should while covering how I really felt. No, in bringing all my feelings to the Lord He tenderly separated what was true and ok from what was killing me inside. And He showed me His Goodness. God is good by nature...and that is indisputable. We were made in His image, therefore it is not for us to tell Him what He is and is not. But more than that, He is UNCHANGEABLE. This is where it hit me. If God was good back when I was a passionate young person with more dreams than sense in my head, then He was good when I spent my third anniversary in a counselors office...when I experienced the death of two children. Why? Because He is good and He is unchangeable. The true meaning of the word goodness is "excellence or value". When my circumstances are not as I would like them to be and I look at God and question His goodness, I am questioning His value. Whoa...takes it to a whole different level. Do you see how insulting it is? I based the value of my Creator and Savior on whether or not my life was going how I wanted! And He loved me anyway. You see God wasn't afraid of my questioning...wasn't afraid of my silence...wasn't afraid of my anger. Was He grieved? You better believe it, but He loved me right through it. And now that my feelings are out and I have confessed the sin that I was holding onto, I FEEL His love for me and I can honestly say that I no longer believe His goodness rests upon what happens tomorrow...or ten years from now. God is good because He is God...the Alpha and Omega...Beginning and End. Yes, friends He is good and excellent and the most valuable being in existence. Chances are, life is going to hold more hurt and sorrow than we ever pictured for ourselves; but instead of questioning God for letting it happen...let's run to Him for healing.