Content

A friend of mine has learned of a young teenage girl that is pregnant, keeping the pregnancy, and wants to give the baby for adoption. The day that I learned this, I spent in anxious anticipation praying and hoping that maybe this baby is part of God's plan for our family. While I was doing my devotions however, a thought hit me like a brick. This baby wouldn't replace Samara and Nadia...wouldn't fill the empty place in my heart that they have left behind...wouldn't make me happy. At first this was distressing to me since it seemed to propel me back to the sad place where I spend alot of my time. But on the heels of despair, hope sprouted wings and brought me to see the high ground. No baby will take their place....no baby will fill their love hole.....and no-one but Jesus Christ will make me happy. This is a freeing realization for me friends. I don't have to fight being sad anymore. I don't have to push myself to be in a better place than I am. I am finally at peace with missing them for the rest of my life...and it's ok. The fact is that the longer that time goes on, the more I miss them. I still have days when I think I cannot possibly get out of bed. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me and that I do finally need to get on antidepressants; but each time I feel my grief is taking too long, I hear God telling me to let it hurt. God is near to the brokenhearted and by remaining in the place of grief, I can smile at the future while feeling the nearness of my Savior. So, maybe we will adopt this sweet baby yet to be born...maybe not. But my hope is built on this. I will miss my babies for the rest of my life....but Jesus is truly all that I NEED.